There's a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise.

It uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of these.

It's called a window. --Jay Leno Didja ever notice that the first piece of luggage on an airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone? "I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him." ----Emo Philips "Did you all see that cruise ship on the news that was attacked by pirates? Wasn't that something? They fired a cannon at it, they fired machine guns at it...look, I know Kathie Lee is annoying but that seems a little harsh." --Jay Leno "The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training.

Which I think is important, because when we want to potty-train the baby we should set a good example." --Howie Mandel "The first thing I did after being hired as the director of learning technology at a high school was to change the sign outside my door -- the one that had my name followed by the acronym D.O.L.T." Disgusted man at a bar: "My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar.

I've been going with her almost a year now, and I never would have known she was married until my wife mentioned it just the other day." People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I'll tell you: a paternity suit. --George Burns Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." Bill: "Why is that?" Bob: "I'm playing around with his wife." Do You Know What You're Eating? LONDON - A British poll on eating habits found that 36 percent of children were unaware that french fries, or chips, are made from potatoes. Nearly 1-in-10 of the 1, 002 children between 8 and 14 questioned by the British Heart Foundation thought chips were mostly made of oil, while others suggested salt, eggs, flour, and even apples, The Telegraph reported. Another 37 percent did not know that cheese was made mostly of milk. "Kids have lost touch with the most basic foods and no longer understand what they are eating, " said Peter Hollins, the foundation's director general.

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes... Dear Thomas, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.

You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you.

I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Maria Dear Thomas, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.

You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn.

For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Maria A Quick Joke: On the sixth day, God created the platypus.

And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out. In other news today...

American airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world! A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. Mitch Ratliffe