1- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2- I'm not into working out.

My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3- I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4- I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 8- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? 9- You have to stay in shape.

My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 10- I have six locks on my door, all in a row.

When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they're okay, then it must be you. 12- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. 13- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

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