Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?" My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower this morning.

It seems they frown on that at Home Depot. Q: When do you know a man is desperate? A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head.