A shop assisstant became tired of his job and joined the police force. Meeting a friend one day, he was asked if he liked his new job. "The hours are satisfactory, the pay is good, but best of all, the customer is always wrong.

" A patron in a Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage." he complained." The faucet marked C gave me boiling water." "But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal." "Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C." "Of course," said the manager.

" It stands for cold. after all, Montreal is a bilingual city." A man was telling friends how first aid classes had prepared him for an emergency. "I saw a woman hit by a car," he said. "She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture." "How horrible! What did you do?" "Thanks to my first aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb & put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.

" A businessman visiting Las Vegas was approached by a shady-looking character who asked, "Can you lend me 25? I haven't eaten in two days." "How do I know that you won't use it to gamble?" "No way," replied the guy. "Gambling money I've already got!" One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared.

"I 'll grant your fondest wish," the genie said. he man thought for a while, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job that no other man has ever succeeded at or has never attempted to do." "Poof !" said the genie. "You're a housewife." A man was walking slowly in the rain when someone asked him why he wasn't walking faster. The man replied, "It's raining up ahead as well." A young mother went into a bookshop. "I would like to have a book on child education, please," she requested.

"I'm sorry," replied the saleslady, "but we don't have one in stock.

" "Then I'd like one on the art of self-control !" Teacher : "Mary, if your father eared 800 per week & gave your mother half of it, what will he have?" Student : "Heart failure.

" Quotable quote: The trouble with most sound advice is that it's 99 percent sound and one percent advice.