True story: When I was a new recruit in the army my drill sergeant's name was, Demon real name. He had only four short rules regarding our barracks: "If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, sweep it up. If it's too big to sweep up, pick it up. If it's too big to pick up, paint it." Thought for the Day You're Not Getting Better, You're Getting Older. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." --James Branch Cabell Just Wondering Have you noticed that proving any theory is as simple as changing the facts? Thought for the Day Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. Today's Quickie Husband: "Let's order in tonight. How about Chinese?" Wife: "We had Chinese last night." Husband: "So? In China they have it every meal!" Twenty Dollars "Hey, Mom, " asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not." "If you do, " he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid while you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up.

Grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'" Today's Joke: At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So, " the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire.

Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

"Good, " said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents.

On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?" How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow? Give her a shovel. Bloopers from Sunday School Students In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Pity the poor insomniac dyslexic agnostic. He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog. Our personnel officer, annoyed by the report from his secretary that troops and members of the staff were using the new copying machine for personal documents, posted this notice on the machine: "Troops are not to tamper with the secretary's reproduction equipment without approval of the officer in charge.

" I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...

? Say that again..? I'm cured?" Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home enter- tainment system, ' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly egg. He still has some work to do.

A sign he put up in the dairy section advertised "Boneless Chicken.

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