I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "What??" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads.

She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman." I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day we went shopping at a big department store.. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth 200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a set diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register, " I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, " No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face .. it went completely blank.

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during spring 2005.