These jokes are a little sick so please dont bash me. If you got any please share.

If not enjoy. I'll post any new ones that I hear. A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender give him a mug of boiling water. The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and dips it in.

The bartender screams "WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Very calmly the vampire looks up and says "Oh this, I'm just making tea." A cop drives to the local lovers lane on a Friday and sees only one car. He looks in and sees a guy in the front seat reading a book and a young woman in the back seat knitting a sweater.

The cop taps the window and the guy rolls the window down.

The cop says, "Evening, um, what are you doing?" The Guy makes up a lie about a meteor shower. The cop asks "How old are you son?" "I'm twenty-seven." the guy replies. "And how old is she?" the cop asks. The guy looks at his watch and replies "Oh her, she'll be eighteen in five minutes.

" A guys car breaks down and he goes to a farmhouse and the old farmer said that he could spend the night but he would have to sleep in the barn with the animals. The next morning the famer asked how he slept and the man goes "Oh great, I stayed up and I talked to the animals." "You talked to the animals?" the farmer asked. "Yeah, the chickens say that you always collect the eggs at 6 in the morning." "Yeah thats right!" the farmer declared.

The man continued "The cow told me that her name is Elsie and you milk her everyday at seven." "What else did the animals say?" the farmer asked. The guy said "Well the sheep said that you...

" Suddenly the Farmer Screamed "THOSE SHEEPS ARE LIARS!!!" Another farmhouse joke.

This is a long one Three guys are lost in the woods and they see a farm house they walk up and knock at the door and a little old man comes out. The three men tell him what happened.

The old man says, " I have a little task for you. You see I want my daughter to be married and You three will be put to the test. The test is that each of you will sleep in the same bed with my daughter and you can't have sex. If you can do that you can marry my daughter. The first guy thinks "I'll fool this old man." What he didnt know was the farmer hid a razor blade in his daughters p***y. The next morning the first guy walks down the stairs and the farmer says "Pull down your pants." The guy does it and his d**k falls off. "You're outta here.

" the old man says. The second night goes by and in the morning the farmer asks the guy to pull down his pants and his d**k falls off. The Last guy is telling himself over and over again "Dont have sex with her, Dont have sex with her. The morning comes and the third guy sees the old man "Pull down your pants." The guy does it and his d**k is right where it is suppose to be. The old farmer exclaims, "Alright you passed. You can marry my daughter." The third guy smiles and about to say "Thank you" but when he does his tongue falls out.